All posts by James W. Breckenridge

E-mail to Jay Teichroeb, March 7, 2006

Dear Mr Teichroeb:

I am currently waiting for a copy of the pamphlet you cited as being given to the homeless when the city ‘cleans up’ the site they occupy. With your implication that this pamphlet contains all the information needed to cease to be homeless, you should be able to appreciate how impatient I, and my fellow homeless, are in awaiting a copy of the pamphlet.

With this in mind I am sending this request for a copy of the pamphlet and/or the information it contains directly to you in hopes that you can quickly forward a copy.

Thank you for your prompt attention to this matter,

James W Breckenridge

Confidence

Confidence – a Casualty of War

Confidence n.

1. firm trust, belief or expectation.
2. belief in one’s own abilities.

So easily lost – So hard to find again. One forgets how much confidence underlies the ease with which we make decisions. When you find yourself on a roll and everything is going your way it is easy to decide because you firmly expect things to work out. But what happens when things have not been working out at all? Even if the fault or cause lies not with you, but in your stars. Bad timing, bad breaks or mental illness can all take choice away from you. When you find yourself freezing in panic when the phone rings, well it certainly was not something I chose to have happen. This is not a ‘wrong’ decision but your expectations shift and you begin to believe that anything that happens is going to be bad. And once you start down that road it quickly turns into a steep hill with you rocketing down into the mire of self-doubt. You question every decision, hesitate, firmly trusting that if it can go wrong it will go wrong – for you. Procrastination, flip-flopping, hesitation and avoidance all flow from this loss of belief. And it is far harder to get it back than to lose it since inability to decide carries with it its own set of problems and costs – further undermining ones self-belief.

The only way to get your confidence back is to have things start to work out. But before they can work out you have to DECIDE. You find yourself standing on the edge of a decision, but to you it seems you are standing on a precipice, with no bottom in site. Frozen. It is a long mental journey to get your confidence back and like the journey of 10,000 miles it too begins with the first step. And different decisions can seem to be the beginnings of whole new journey’s. The mental health part of my journey began with walking into Triangle Resources to begin to take their six week course. But to me the precipice was walking down the hall and putting my name on the (blank, clean white) list for one-on-one counseling. As I made choices about how I would work on my inner self and found myself getting healthier, I became confident in my choices about my mental health and so I have a firm belief in the correctness of the choices I make. If I feel the need to go to an al-anon meeting I trust that this is what I need to do and I go. But in some areas the experience has not been so positive. That is not to say that I am making ‘bad’ choices. Rather that the choices I have made have not caused positive re-enforcement that gives one a firm expectation that any choice you make will work out. For example: I have been casting my nets far and wide in my search for employment, without notable success. Now, I do not think I am making bad decisions or choices, but without a positive feedback of some kind doubt creeps in and you find yourself hesitating over things.

I have written about how ridiculous the attitude that a phone is not a necessity in getting a job, not to mention coordinating and running your life. I have felt that I really should have a phone, that it could have a positive and beneficial effect on my job search and life in general. But … without some positive feedback I found myself standing on that precipice again. Need it, how do I pay, positive credit effect of paying bill on time, what if I cannot pay, easy to contact me, no phone tag or missed opportunities, it’s a promise to pay – can I keep my promise? And around and around. Then on Saturday events developed, or is that worked out, so that in effect I was given a clear push in getting my act together and getting a phone. These days I tend to listen to these types of hints, I may not have complete confidence in my ability to decide, but I know when I must decide. Remember:
1. best decision is the right choice;
2. the next best decision is the wrong decision;
3. The worst decision is not to decide.

So when I get a big nudge telling me to decide, I decide. Although I had butterflies in my stomach the day before and a little negative voice questioned some of the decisions I made (phone, plan etc). I am relaxed with having made the decision, it is done, made and in the past and so cannot be changed. I have let it go. The thing to do now is to take full advantage of the communications available to me now that I have a phone, carpe diem (seize the day). By taking advantage of the opportunity the phone represents, the choice (to take the hint) to get the phone becomes positive re-enforcement in trusting that having made a decision it will work out. Making it easier to make and move from the multiple choices that we need to make in order to move forward with our lives as opposed to staying caught on the precipice.

But there are little things that could be done to start building up the confidence of the homeless in order to help them start to make decisions instead of freezing on the precipice. I have witnessed just how much of a positive effect the opportunity to clean up and get into clean clothes has on the homeless. It would not take much to set up a program (a test?) such that some of the homeless have access to showers, the chance to clean up, exercise good hygiene and clean clothes daily. They would start to feel better about their appearance, then themselves and to a certain extent would be wanting to continue to feel better about themselves. Once started down that road they would have to face themselves and some of their choices without an obscuring layer of dirt. Having a clearer view to see what is needed and what choices they have to make. Feeling better about yourself helps give you confidence in things working out in your favour, making the act of deciding easier. Granting the willingness to take a leap of belief in oneself. Getting off the streets involves choices. Mainly the choices of the homeless themselves. Some of the choices the other members of society make have an effect, both minor (daily bathing facilities) or major (offer of employment).

One needs to choose to change. Whether it is a nudge from the universe telling you to CHOOSE or a series of small choices/changes/opportunities that leads to a major life style CHOICE.

The question we need to address is what nudges or help can the community present that enable the homeless to begin to choose and gain confidence in what the results of their choosing are. So that they do not freeze on the precipice but are able to face and make decisions of major CHOICE. It may be as simple as giving them access to cleanliness.

Mail – another ‘little’ problem

Thanks to a push, or should that be a nudge, I took a bit of a leap of faith and got a phone. I have been waffling over this issue. A phone would certainly be very handy in finding employment, a place to rent when the opportunity presents itself to get off the streets, to stay in touch with people, more importantly for people to be able to easily get in touch with me or emergencies. But it is also a promise/commitment to pay the bill when due. Fear, uncertainty about my future cash flow had me gun-shy over pulling the trigger and getting a phone – even though I know that the phone is a major advantage in finding employment and thus having the needed cash flow. But a generous act of kindness from a stranger made it clear I was suppose to jump – and so I did. As I sit here the butterflies are still fluttering in my stomach, but the die is cast and I did not let a last minute thought about mail permit me to procrastinate and not get the phone.

Mail? Phone? Connection? One of the conveniences that people take for granted is a mailing address or in the case of a cell phone a billing address. As a homeless person one is of No Fixed Address. My car license plate may have 3 letters and 3 digits like a postal code but I doubt that Canada Post would be willing to even attempt to deliver my mail to my ‘home’. So you need to find someone willing to allow you to use his or her address as a place to have your mail sent and to make arrangements for you to get your mail. Otherwise you can end up running around in circles. You need ID to get social assistance. Those without ID are denied assistance. You can get replacement ID mailed to you. No address or money? All you need is to get shelter and allowance from assistance. Wait … no ID = no assistance = no address = no ID = no help and around and around. There are many situations that require a place mail can be sent to you. You can avoid all kinds of hassle if you just have an address you can use when asked for an address in a variety of instances (not having an address to give causes people all kinds of extra headaches. Not having a mailing address is one of the little things, the little inconveniences and necessities that accumulate into a high wide barrier for the homeless.

Having a mailing address is not a miracle cure, but it is on of the issues that can be addressed. For a lucky few it may be the last piece of the puzzle that gets them up onto their feet. For others it may provide a base to build on in their struggle back to their feet. For everyone it would be access to a necessary convenience and one less distracting inconvenience/problem. I admit I have no brilliant suggestion on how this could be done, only the nagging feeling that it should not be to difficult to accomplish. So, put on your thinking caps and give me a creative, imaginative idea(s) on what to do.

A barrier is of ideas, not of things. Mark Caine

Letter to the Editor, Abbynews March 2, 2006

Dear Sirs,

I am still waiting for Mr. Teichroeb (or the City) to forward or e-mail me a copy of the “resource pamphlet” he cited as being given to the Homeless. As many of us who are currently homeless desparately want of the streets we are waiting rathe impatiently for the pamplet that Mr. Teichroeb implied contains all the information a person needs to get off the street and into housing.

I am sure The News can usnderstand the great interest I and others have in obtaining this knowledtge. I ask that you do me the great favour of contacting Mr. Teichroeb (or the City) on this matter. One hopes that you have more success in obtaining the pamphlet in a timely manner. Further, could I troble you to forward the information contained in the pamphlet on to me?

I thank you for any aid you can provide in the quest for this life pattern altering knowledge.

James W. Breckenridege

Abbotsford Homeless Winter Games


I want to thank Fred Johns for sending the idea for this to me and asking if I would write it. The writer in me has only been free for a short period and relished the compliment of being asked to write this piece. So Fred put in the Olympics, Homeless and some of the obstacles they face every day … and out of my fevered brain poured:

The Games

Like the super bacteria that recently invaded my body, IT has spread across the media. Taking up thousands, perhaps hundreds of thousands of hours of radio and television airtime, forests laid waste to print the hundreds of thousands of newspaper and magazine pages, and just how many terabytes of information is on the internet is mind boggling to consider. Yes, I am referring to the 2006 Olympic Winter Games. So, to take advantage of the Olympic media frenzy I present:

The ABBOTSFORD HOMELESS WINTER GAMES

Short Track Speed

For the Homeless this does not involve racing around pylons set up on a skating rink, trying to avoid being bumped or falling. For the Homeless it is about scrambling/sprinting to find shelter on those nights that lack of adequate shelter can be life threatening. With shelter for only a few percent of the Homeless in Abbotsford it can be quite a scramble. As a strategy, I keep my 5 days in reserve for life threatening emergencies. So when the super bacterial invaded my body I was able to use one night for shelter. Of course, with the usual bureaucratic idiocy, after that there was no shelter available that could accommodate my twice daily IV antibiotic schedule, forcing me back out onto the street – spiking fevers, facing surgery to implant a drain for the puss and three (at this point) weeks of 2 ½ hour, twice daily hospital visits for IV treatment and dressing change.

Biathlon

Not two such dissimilar disciplines as skiing and shooting, but those interrelated needs of food and bedding/clothing. Food for the calories to burn through the long, cold, wet nights. Bedding/clothing to minimize heat loss and preserve calorie reserves in order to survive the nights. With the Downtown Business Association, the City of Abbotsford and the Abbotsford Police striving to prevent church groups from serving food to the hungry and distributing bedding/clothing to the cold, in the future this event will be even more difficult and demanding.

Ski Jumping – Large Hill

For the Homeless this involves attempting to jump through the hoops and over the barriers that the nattering nabobs of negativism in the social (un)assistance system delight in raising. Those workers have the killer instinct, going for the gold every time – the denial of help.

X country pursuit

A new event, added this winter. With the efforts to drive the Homeless out of downtown Abbotsford and into residential neighbourhoods, aided by some of the more ‘enthusiastic’ members of the Abbotsford Police Department (yes I have witnessed this ‘enthusiasm’ – but fortunately have avoided having it applied to my person). With the city government wearing its blindfold in regards to the Homeless this can be a very important event to the Homeless. Of course there is a great irony in the lawyers who make their living from the prostitutes, drug dealers, addicts, the mentally ill and any homeless unfortunate to run afoul of the police and courts – campaigning to drive them away from their offices and into the residential neighbourhoods of Abbotsford using the police. Still, the ability to avoid pursuit, avoid attracting the attention of the wrong police officers and remain under the radar can have very beneficial health benefits for those successful in this competition.

X country 50 Km

I feel a shared spirit with these competitors. In for the long haul, endurance, striving to put one foot in front of the other and struggling forward when it feels as though you are carrying a 100 Kg load on your back. The advantage the athletes have over me is that they know were the finish line is. I have no idea where the objective (employment, shelter, food) I am struggling to reach lies. Only that it is somewhere in front of me.

Figure Skating.

Choreography. Smoothness. Grace. Yet for all this the Olympic event requires nothing close to the intricate survival dance performed daily by the Homeless. The balancing of food, shelter, clothing, bedding, weather conditions, police harassment, bathing, drinking water, bureaucratic idiocy, transportation, etc. Not to mention job searching, resume submission, cover letters, coping with the lack of a phone (which the government claims is unneeded for finding employment!), finding computer access for job searching and applications, etc. Balancing all these different needs requires choreography and a grace that Olympic figure skaters can only envy.

Curling

This event may share the most in common with our Homeless Winter Games event as both involve throwing stones. At the Olympics this involves sliding or ‘throwing’ the stones (rocks) at targets at the end of the ice sheet surface. In the Homeless Games the stones they throw are the labels they apply to the Homeless. Bums; Addicts; Lazy; do not want to work; – these are but a few of the stone labels thrown at the Homeless.

The problem with these labels is that they are what governments base their policies on. Basing policy on labels and not reality gives you the same results you would get from building City Hall or the Legislature Building in a swamp full of quicksand and sink holes – an ineffective and disastrous outcome. In building the system upon these labels it denies those working hard to find employment the necessary help: Shelter – a place to clean up, wash clothes, dress properly for interviews and job searching, a warm, safe place to sleep, one less (major) distraction from your job search. Phone – very tough for employers to contact you for interviews or a job offer when you lack a phone. Laundry – keeping your clothing clean and presentable is not cheap and no matter how good you are, you need to dress the part to get the job. …and so on. The stones of preconceived ideas thrown and held by the government and the public are a major barrier to employment and getting back into the game of life.

#########################################

Of course we do share a major pitfall with Olympic athletes – drug use. I have never had a drug or alcohol problem (touch wood). But in dealing with the effects of the labels applied in making policy, the despair and fatigue of struggling forward to attain some unseen finish line (job! home! dignity!), or the pain of repeated frustrations and disappointments – the escape and oblivion of drugs is a constantly tempting way out. The system labels you a drug user and then beats you down until drugs become a major temptation in order to escape the bleakness of your existence.

In the struggle to avoid giving in to despair I must admit a certain envy for the athletes with access to psychological support and counseling (BOY, do I now appreciate the importance of good mental health). It is a daily struggle to maintain a positive attitude so I can attempt to overcome the barriers to getting my life back. Especially when your hopes are shattered. I found a job and it was going well. Then, literally overnight, a life-threatening bacterial infection made me a very sick man. As if the fevers, surgery to drain the puss and insert a drainage tube, and 2 ½ hours twice a day antibiotic treatments were not enough – my new employer terminated me as a result of said life-threatening illness. You go to bed with a future and wake up sick as a dog and the future disappears in a puff of smoke. Talk about struggling to maintain a positive attitude.

Above all else what I would most like to have in common with the Olympic athletes is accommodation. I do not need a fancy village serving sumptuous meals and snacks. A warm room with a bed, where I can spike fevers and suffer the chills of this infection without it being life threatening. Such are my Abbotsford Homeless Winter Games dreams.