I want to share what may well rank as the most bizarrely weird and surreal occurrence to transpire in entirety of my current existence within this space/time continuum. I am just not sure that the English language, or any language with the possible exception of Navaho, has words capable of expressing the concepts and ideas needed to truly convey the strange eeriness of what took place among the neurons, bio-chemistry and pathways within my brain. I can but endeavour to give you a taste of what was happening in my head when:

Atomic explosions in my brain
Threatened me with being insane

I find the “Holiday Season” stressful and gloomy, so my focus in December was on surviving the Season. This year I navigated the shoals of the season with the most success I have had in decades, sailing through without encountering any real rough weather. I fell into the trap of congratulating myself on my solid mental health. As so often happens when I become smug about progress on the mental hygiene front the Universe rose up and smacked me back into reality.

So it was that a few days before the start of the New Year Mr. DEPRESSION came to visit. Now, over the last few years in my quest to continue on my path to recovery and steadily improving mental health I had endured and dealt with a few visits from his much smaller, younger brother Mr Depression. This visit was from the Big Bro’ – Mr. DEPRESSION himself, taking hold and dragging me down through the floor my medication usually puts on Depression plunging downward into a Hole of Calcutta pit of despair, where the old “floor” was now a ceiling appearing higher than the stars themselves.

Mr. Big D brought along his old friends, and my old acquaintances, anxiety, panic attack, obsessive/compulsive behaviours, agoraphobia, fear, anger, low self-esteem, old ways of thinking, destructive core beliefs, squirrel on a running-wheel run-a-way thinking et al. Up until this visit, while I may have been depressed, my head was full of “reasons” to be depressed courtesy of these travelling companions who filled my head with their ceaseless screaming chatter. So it was that I came to be facing the New Year with a head full of negative voices and depressed as *bleep*.

This time however I was not standing on the precipice unarmed, helpless and cowering before DEPRESSION and old acquaintances. Over the past months and years I have acquired a toolbox full of tools for maintaining and improving my mental health. Knowledge, understanding, cognitive therapy techniques, support group, Wellness Recovery Action Plan(ning) all permit me to be proactive in my own headspace.

So it was that the battle was joined! Living in the moment, paying careful attention to the thoughts in my mind, examining those thoughts as they entered my consciousness, examining underlying assumptions back to their supporting core beliefs, together with the many other tools in my mental toolbox let me deal with all my old acquaintances. Steadily whittling down these mental weeds until I and Mr. DEPRESSION were left alone, facing each other in the recesses of my mind.

Then things proceeded to get REALLY strange. DEPRESSION had always before been obscured by all the chatter, the static from every other thought and voice in my head. Suddenly I found myself in quiet solitude with DEPRESSION, no distractions, nothing to come between us, just me and DEPRESSION face-to-face. Mano a mano as it were. Un-really surreal. Uncanny. Bizarre. An idiosyncratic voyage to the lunatic fringe.

As I noted the English language fails to provide me with words or concepts sufficient to convey the timeless, twilight zone, alternate dimension feel that I found myself experiencing at this point in time.

I found myself in the calm of my centered mind, almost serene – just depressed as *bleep*, enveloped by the stygian darkness of my mental illness. A rational part of my mind was ticking over, monitoring and evaluating the FACTS, seeing no reason for being depressed yet aware that what was going on was DEPRESSION. Just being, serenely looking at a world of deepest BLACK. Strange does not, can not, begin to express just how other-worldly an experience it indeed was.

This other worldliness was compounded by the knowledge of depression, brain chemical imbalances and my own mental information processing. Totally aware of the reality of what was transpiring, literally a prisoner in my own mind, of my own brain chemistry, looking out at the world through my eyes – aware of the unseen and un-see-able bars on my cell.

I knew what was going on and KNEW all I could do was endure the journey, however long it would prove to be. Time and timing of the “visit” was a part of the unreality of the situation. One night I had gone to bed upbeat. Sometime during that night Mr. DEPRESSION had crawled into my head and I awoke depressed having no idea how long HE would stay. I just knew the length of the visit was beyond my control, that the duration was up to the alchemical processes of my brain.

Calmly wielding the tools needed to deal with attempted intrusions from my old acquaintances left me alone with DEPRESSION. Calm logical, rational, almost computer like awareness, Serenity and DEPRESSION all inhabited a common space between my ears. So for the next 2+ weeks it was just ME, the logical, rational observer portion of my mind and DEPRESSION dwelling together in the calm, serene center of my mind. With the logical, rational observer that resides in my mind keeping me informed of exactly what was going on.

Each day I forced myself from bed rather than giving into the urge to hibernate 20 hours a day. Choosing a few of tasks to perform each day in order to make myself leave my dark cave and venture out into the world of light and air because I knew it was necessary to Recovery. It was also part of my WRAP plan for when Mr. DEPRESSION came to play head games.

When I ran into people in the world I let friends and acquaintances know I was deeply depressed but dealing with it and to give me extra space. Others I warned that my depression made me prone to either flaying the skin from their bodies, verbally for the most part, or simply ripping their heads off. This served to cause them to also be careful of giving me the space I needed. In the past denial had caused many problems and stresses in dealing with people. In being up front I found myself with the space I needed to function with a minimum of added stress or problems. The truth shall set you free indeed.

So it went ME and DEPRESSION with the observer providing information and dispassionate commentary. There just are no words to truly express the strangeness of spending days, hours, minutes, seconds looking at a world that is deepest BLACK with a total awareness of why it was so BLACK. As time and awareness past it just grew more surreal, even weirder. It was this AWARENESS that made this such an ultra strange journey.

Then I woke one morning, looked around, and there was light in the world again. One night *click* and DEPRESSION was present, time passes and one night *click* and LIGHT was present. In between I had made a most bizarrely weird and surreal journey through the recesses of my own MIND.

During this past week, first at a tele-learning session and then at a planning session for Vibrant Abbotsford, the word community was bandied about. I began to wonder about several questions: does community always mean the same thing or does it take on varying meanings depending on usage or context, even when it is the same person using the word; how much difference in what they mean by community is there between different people, even when they are speaking about the same set of circumstances or conditions; how many of those who use the word community have actually stopped to consider what they mean in using the word community; are any of cities of those groups affiliated with the Vibrant movement actually living in a community in more than a geographical sense?

We develop learning plans to learn about the extent and character of poverty, attitudes towards poverty and the assets available to reduce poverty all in our communities. Are we failing to ask the most important question of all: do we live in a community or just a collection of buildings and people in a convenient geographical spot? Is not the existence of community fundamental to any poverty reduction?

In writing www.homelessinabbotsford.com I have asserted that Abbotsford is not a community in more than a geographical sense. That in fact Abbotsford is the most unfriendly and unwelcoming city I have lived in, having lived in many major Canadian cities including Toronto. I have advanced the argument that the behaviours of the numerous churches make a major contribution to the lack of community in Abbotsford. In a city that prides itself on the number of churches within its boundaries, this line of reasoning has caused some members and leaders of these organizations to be less than happy with me.

Why do I make this assertion? All these churches provide focal points for their members to form separate groups (cliques) turning inward and away from their fellow citizens in an exclusionary way. With the large number of churches in Abbotsford, this behaviour of turning inward to focus on a single church based group and exclude ties to non-members, makes these churches a major barrier to Abbotsford becoming a Community.

For is not Community rooted in interconnectedness? Organizations or practices that discourage widespread connectedness in favour of exclusionary small circles of people with barriers between them and others contribute greatly to Abbotsford’s failure to become a Community.

This interconnectedness, this sense of Community is not something that exists only in our past as suggested by all those who long for “the old days, when neighbour helped neighbour”. It thrives in our smaller towns and cities and exists in some larger municipalities which have the required citizen behaviours.

At one point I was mixed farming on a farm 50 kms outside Boyle, Alberta. As a small town of 3 – 400 Boyle was the booming metropolis for the region and the Postal delivery center. Less than two weeks after I arrived on the farm, without ever having been into Boyle itself, a letter from a great aunt of mine addressed simply to James Breckenridge, Boyle Alberta arrived without delay. What made this noteworthy was that in order to get delivered the address should have the rural route #, the location box number and the individual post box number within the location box.

Without me ever being in Boyle itself the postmistress was aware of my arrival and location because of the interconnectedness of the Community. Note that the “community of Boyle” encompassed hundreds of square kilometres and the widespread farms and ranches within that area. Community then is not defined by a neat centralized geographic location but by the interconnectedness of those who form or make up the Community.

I tend to get strange looks when I say that perhaps my favourite city to live within in Canada is Saskatoon, which is admittedly a little chilly in winter. For me this coolness of temperature was more than offset by the warmth of the Community. I suspect that a contributing factor is that many residents are from farms or rural communities and still have ties to those farms and communities. You also have a large University of Saskatchewan student population comprising a significant percentage of the City’s total population.

I drove into Saskatoon with a pickup truck full of clothing, music and books knowing no one in the City. Yet from the time, shortly after arrival, I found a place to live I felt connected to the City. My landlords were from a farming community and made me feel welcome, even part of the family. Considering my mental health issues this feeling of connection says a great deal about the welcome they extended. It also says something about the feeling of connectedness throughout the City that I felt and still feel a connection to the City.

The difference between Saskatoon and Abbotsford lies in interconnections. Saskatoon also had many sub-communities from Boy Scout troops and churches to the University – itself made up of many sub-communities. Yet Saskatoon, a City of similar size to Abbotsford, is a Community for the reason that its citizens are connected to the Community itself. In Saskatoon the subgroups by and large have and encourage connections to other groups, neighbours, neighbourhoods and the City itself.

In Abbotsford the subgroups by and large are exclusionary denying connection to others outside the subgroup with the result Abbotsford is comprised of a series of unconnected sub-groupings of people living in a geographical location with that geological location being the only commonality they share among the different subgroups or cliques. This lack of interconnectedness means Abbotsford requires leadership if it is to become a Community; leadership and vision to bring about the changes and interconnectedness to be a Community.

If Community is a result of interconnectedness is there another major factor we need to be aware of and take into consideration? Yes, the fact that this interconnectedness is not achieved without effort or cost.

I have heard people in Abbotsford speak covetously of those days when if a barn burned down all the neighbours turned out help rebuild. “Those were the good old days when community meant something” they rhapsodize. Then turn around and say “Oh I cannot help there or do that because I do not have time or that’s my movie night or I’m to tired or No I cannot miss MY TV show or …” As if community is state of nature requiring no effort to acheive.

Community is not about it being easy or requiring no effort or sacrifice. It is not all about you but about the Community. When they speak longingly of a community where neighbours turned out to help rebuild the barn, they ignore or refuse to see the sacrifices the neighbours made in order to help. The chores of the farmer from the neighbouring farm do not magically disappear or do themselves. After helping raise the barn he has to go home and do his own chores, putting in the long, extra hours it takes to make up the time he gave to help his neighbour.

We are losing our Communities not to growing complexity of society or growth in population and city size, but to our own concern for and centeredness on SELF. The more it becomes all about ME, the less connected we become to each other and our communities. We are losing our Communities to our own selfishness.

So why is this idea of Community so important? Because poverty reduction is going to require a willingness to make sacrifices for others in the Community, whether in volunteering one’s time, a willingness to pay slightly more for goods so that stores can pay living wages or perhaps a willingness to call upon companies you own stock in to pay as much attention to their employees and the communities they operate in as to the bottom line.

There remains another very important aspect of considering what community is/means. As noted in the second paragraph of this discussion paper, learning plans are about assessing the readiness of the Vibrant communities to undertake poverty reduction. Does it not follow that an integral part of any learning plan must be and examination of what we mean when we speak of Community? That we need to make a careful consideration of whether we live in a Community or merely occupy a geographical happenstance?

There are major implications that flow from the assertion made that in fact we live not in Communities but in collections of people whose commonality is, for the most part, limited to the position – the latitude and longitude – they occupy. If, Then. If interconnectedness and Community are vital to achieving the changes needed to affect poverty reduction on the micro or macro level; then we must bring about and sustain Community to accomplish anything, including poverty reduction.

In assuming a state of Community Vibrant Abbotsford and other Vibrant communities may well be doomed to endlessly spin their wheels, getting no traction for change because this fundamental assumption is, at least in my mind incorrect. While formulating and executing a learning plan is a necessary component of bringing about the changes needed for poverty reduction it is not the most crucial aspect. In fact up some circumstances the learning plan could prove useful but ultimately dispensable

I assert that the indispensable requisite condition is the existence of Community whether at a single geographical location or nation wide. It follows that any effort to effect poverty reduction requires this state of Community to exist at the level the attempted poverty reduction is being made. Therefore it is imperative that while Vibrant Abbotsford is following its learning plan it must also be bringing about a state of Community in Abbotsford. If not Vibrant Abbotsford will find itself with a completed learning plan but lacking a Community to make use of the knowledge flowing from the learning plan.

I would also assert that a careful consideration of the question of Community is a vital undertaking for all members of the Vibrant initiative, including Tamarack. Else we risk finding ourselves knowing at least some of the changes we need to effect to reduce poverty, but unable to bring about change because the essential enabling condition of Community is nonexistent.

…. depression can take advantage of your inattention.

I made the mistake of not allowing sufficient time to have passed in this New Year before I let my mind wander to consideration of how to change Abbotsford from a community to a community. I should have known better than to let my mind ponder such a seemingly impossible task until the season of despair (aka Christmas season) and its mental booby-traps was long past. I most certainly should have been vigilant enough not to miss taking my medication when contemplating such a potentially depressing undertaking. spirit downward spins/ screaming fading lost quiet/ despair triumphant.

The truly disheartening part of all this is that the widespread reaction on the part of the inhabitants of Abbotsford to reading “change … a community to a community” will be HUH? That’s stupid: a community is a community, is a community.

Untrue. A community is merely a happenstance involving a group of people, usually being in the same spot or area to which we apply a label such as, in the case of Abbotsford, a city. On the hand other a community is much more spiritual in nature involving as it does concepts such as fellowship, connection, empathy, helping, even kinship.

In Abbotsford this is further complicated by the practice inhabitants have of getting together to form cliques. This results in a turning away, a turning ones back on, those who do not belong to the closed circle. Next-door neighbours, if they are not a member, seemingly have no real relevance to clique members.

This past year has resulted in my having connections across several of these groups. With their inward focus these groups, even in areas of mutual concern, do not play well together. Collaboration is necessary to address the needs of our neighbours since the scale of the need has become so large as to require all of us to resolve. The thought of liaising in such a manner as to get them to work together as part of a team is intimidating.

It is even more nerve-racking to consider weaving a web to connect all the city’s differing groups together so that, by tweaking the web, you can center their attention on a vision compelling enough it is capable of drawing all the varied groups within Abbotsford together in such a way as to give rise to a community is.

Contemplating conceiving such a vision is, to say the least, daunting. So daunting that it hovers on being overwhelming. Which is why I definitely should have waited until the bleakness that this season holds for me was solidly behind me. Because part of being able conceive of that inspiring vision is also being able to see the human toll that will be paid in 2007, and the years beyond, if Abbotsford does not achieve the change from merely a community of geographic coincidence to a community with spirit, heart, a soul.

On Christmas Day less than half of the clients at the Abbotsford Emergency Shelter wanted even a small plate of food and the Shelter itself was just over half full. The free breakfast and turkey dinners around town this Christmas Day had them all as stuffed as the turkeys they had consumed. During the previous two – three weeks there was an abundance of meals, food and care packages for the poor, hungry and homeless.

On December 26th the switch was thrown, the Spirit turned off for another year and greed was out in full force prowling the Boxing Day Sales. And the Shelter was again full of the homeless who were once more cold, hungry and unwanted.

This is written on New Years Day in a Shelter overfull with clients who have devoured every crumb to be found. What a difference a week makes. They face the bleak cold hungry days of January and a year lacking the promise of anything better. With the upcoming year holding out to me the promise of challenges to be met and things that need accomplishing I cannot help but ponder the Christmas Spirit Switch.

This Switch is why the Abbotsford Food Bank and other such charities work so hard and long at raising funds through donations during the Christmas Spirit Season. They HAVE to raise the majority of their yearly operating budgets during this short yearly outpouring of the Christmas Spirit. Because once the Switch is OFF, getting donations is an uphill battle against the inertia of indifference.

Of course the answer to the question about the Switch is that we are each responsible for our own Christmas Switch and turning OFF our Spirit. I have resolved for the New Year to try to keep my Spirit Switch in the caring/helping/giving position, even when some members of the homeless community have me contemplating homicide.

We each get to choose whether the Spirit of this season if OFF until next year’s Christmas season or stays ON in the caring/helping/giving position throughout the entire year. Take a moment to ponder your Switch and whether your Spirit will be ON or OFF during this New Year. It is Your Choice.