I was at a MCC Supportive Care workshop where the keynote speaker was Dr. Strauss. I was looking forward to the day and was feeling upbeat. Dr. Strauss was quite interesting to listen to until he spoke about recovery vis-à-vis depression. He noted that depression could be treated quite successfully and cited some statistics about the low reoccurrence of subsequent episodes of depression. Oh, oh, this did not seem to fit my pattern – what was wrong with me??? Then he said that that was for those who had early diagnosis and treatment, but in cases where the depression was suffered for a longer time reoccurring episodes increased in likelihood and frequency. Whew, that explains and fits my experience, ahhh.

Wait a minute!!! Me = close to three decades of depression et al. Little extrapolation and AAAARIIIIIIIIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!! Whiiiiiiiiiimmmmmmper.
Ohhh noooooo. I should be so depressed. Siggghhhh.

??? Why am I chuckling at these thoughts and not hopping onto that little gerbil wheel in my mind? Because I have much better mental habits, I pay attention these days to my inner dialogue and feelings, it does offer insight into what is and likely will be my experiences as I continue in recovery and there is nothing I can do about it. Which explains why the al-anon topic this evening was acceptance.

There is recovery. For some of us it is just a longer, more problematical and more convoluted journey. The real point is that screening and early detection are important in making recovery a more straightforward proposition. If you or someone you care for shows signs of needing help, find out and start to get on with living well. The real lose here is not that the passage of time has made recovery a more “interesting” journey, but that I have missed an extra decade or two of joy, passion, intimacy and laughter.

Sunday I was feeling somewhat melancholy having missed the Lost Checkered Sox performance Friday night. As a practitioner of good mental hygiene I realized a change of outlook was needed. So I decided to take advantage of the crisp, sunny fall day to sit in the sun contemplating and cogitating upon lost checkered socks and what their relationship to the Great washing machine mystery.

I speak of course of the apparent appetite of washing machines for devouring the odd sock. We all know that the idea of washing machines eating socks is ridiculous. Which leaves us to address what exactly is the fate of a missing sock and where do they go?

It occurred that what is required is a government grant of $250,000 to enable the conducting of a study of this great conundrum. This level of grant would permit the rental of a suitable space; supply all the cutting edge electronic tools to properly record the experimental results, a transport vehicle and a new heavy duty washer/dryer set. While considering the design parameters for the envisioned experiments it became obvious that the testing regimen required amendment to include the possibility that we are not dealing with a Great Washing Machine Mystery but rather a Great Dryer Mystery.

Thus it was quickly apparent that an additional Phase II $250,000 grant would be required to expand the study to include the washing machine vs. dryer hypothesis. In contemplating this increased funding stream it was recognized the opportunity was present to achieve both faster results and to serve a public need. Since the Phase I portion of the grant provides funding for the equipment to ensure the proper recording of the experiments, all of the second portion would be available to leverage the experiments to achieve a multiplier effect.

This Phase II grant would finance the salary for a research assistant, the procurement of a bank of heavy duty washer/dryers and a suitably accessible location. Opening the doors to those in poverty, the working poor and the homeless would ensure the randomness of wash loads while supplying the large number of wash loads called for in order to accelerate the experiment.
Given the demonstrated randomness of the sock relocation, the randomness of the loads, the large number of loads (reflective of the large need for access to laundry facilities in these poor/homeless populations) and with the detailed recording of the make up of each experimental load this approach holds the promise of greatly accelerating the process of determining the mass/mass distribution that triggers the effect. Once the general trigger parameters of the effect are determined it will be possible to focus experimentation on gaining a detailed understanding of the mass/distribution relationship to gain the ability to trigger the effect when desired.

Having sought theoretical inspiration through logical thought and analysis as well as the technique of seeking oneness with the Universe utilizing meditation on what is the true cause of sock relocation I have arrived at the only conclusion that explains the observed phenomena. I freely admit that at first I was incredulous at the conclusion the facts led to. However, as the wise know, when all other possibilities are eliminated what remains is the answer, no matter how fantastic or outrageous an answer it may appear to be.

Since a properly impressive name must await a deep understanding of the phenomena, it will be at this beginning stage of the experimental investigation referred to as washing machine dimension effect. I acknowledge that at this time it could very well be it is in fact the dryer dimension effect. However, until proof one way or the other is uncovered, Washing Machine Dimensional (w.m.d.) will be used to refer to the Effect.

The word dimension is used since it is clear that the repetitive mechanical workings of a washing machine (or dryer) when loaded with the correct mass/mass distribution of a load of laundry that includes at least one pair of socks causes an opening through another dimension to form. Evidence demonstrates that the inter-dimensional portal is a short lived and small phenomenon as only one sock is transported. Obviously this phenomenon functions in a manner similar to its larger and more spectacular cousin – the wormhole. I postulate that the opening of an “entrance portal” in one washing machine triggers the opening of an “exit portal” in another ‘in use’ distant washing machine. This conclusion is supported by and helps to explain the wide spread belief that washing machines (or dryers) are devouring socks. At the entrance machine the missing sock is noted while at the exit machine the presence of the transported sock leads to the erroneous conclusion that a sock is missing. Thus it is that at each occurrence of the Effect twice the actual number of disappeared socks are noted – explaining why the belief in machines devouring socks is so widely and firmly spread throughout the globe.

Advances in GPS technology will permit the quick pin-pointing of the exit portal location, permitting a timely arrival so that the make up of the destination load, the mass/mass distribution that supported the conditions that resulted in the formation of the exit portal. Thus Phase III, encompassing the need for transcontinental, perhaps intercontinental will necessitate a Phase III budget of $2,500,000. It is envisioned that the major focus of Phase III is to obtain an understanding of the rules/mechanism involved in the triggering/formation of entrance/exit portals.

Phase IV will take the understanding of the Effect obtained in Phase III in order to ascertain how to enter wmd space (the washing machine dimension), manoeuvre within wmd space and exit wmd space at a point in our space-time continuum of our choosing. The funding required for the micro portion of the research of this transportation method will be $25,000,000. Once the ability to enter, manoeuvre and exit wmd space using robotic micro probes is found to be feasible/within reach it is anticipated that the next Phase will begin to gear up before the final completion of Phase IV.

Phase V having a projected budget of $250,000,000 for the initial stage of this Phase which involves sizing up the probes from the micro to the macro level to permit the entrance, travel and exit of wmd space by transports capable of carrying human travellers/explorers. The second stage of this phase, requiring an investment of $2,500,000,000, is to engineer, design, build and test a ship in order to demonstrate the technologies suitability to space travel, exploration and resource exploitation.

Phase VI is to build a ship to explore the Terran solar system, planetary bodies and to inventory the system resources available for the establishment of off planet mining, manufacturing, engineering and “space dock” ship building facilities. It is anticipated that the technology involved will permit the ship to be built within the $25,000,000,000 budgeted for this phase.

With a budget $250,000,000,000 the vision for Phase VII is the deployment of the ship and other developed transportation/engineering/research & development resources to establish off planet resources. We know that the solar system abounds with mineral and energy resources easily accessible to those with efficient space transport. It is anticipated that it will be necessary to establish and staff space-based habitats to achieve the goals for this phase of creating mining, refining, manufacturing, engineering and building facilities.

Phase VIII with its budget of $250,000,000,000 is to use the developed off-earth resources and building capabilities in the continuing design, build and launch of interstellar exploration craft. It should be noted that the spin-off socially responsible actions of Phase II will be continued throughout the later Phases of the Project. It is anticipated that the empathy developed in making socially responsible choices and behaviour part of the modus operandi of the Project will permit the establishment of trade and co-operation with other space travelling life-forms. At this point it is to be expected that the Project will be sell financing from inter-species trade, processing of space borne resources and spin-offs of scientific resources.

The future is nova brilliant. The key to this abundance and to our space-faring/exploring future is leadership and the willingness to make the modest investment in the Project.

I found this question posted on www.somethingcool.ca and wanted to share them. While reading through the questions several strange answers popped into my head – so of course I had to answer and post them all. If you have any really good answers send them of to the Editor at Something Cool News. Enjoy!

1. Why do banks charge you a “non-sufficient funds” fee on money they already know you don’t have?

i) Because they can.
ii) Because such fees are pure bottom-line profit.

2. If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?

How else would they make a living??

3. What are Preparation A through Preparation G?

What Were – Real pains in the ass – having been bloody failures.

4. How come there aren’t B batteries?

There are. They are just repackaged and sold as the more expensive A batteries.

5. How do “Do not walk on the grass” signs get there?

The answer to that conundrum is contained in the question: “Which came first: the chicken or the egg”.

6. Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars?

Because the “green olives” require sunlight for photosynthesis and thus require storage in jars to permit the penetration of sunlight to reach the green olives.

7. If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting?

On their asses.

8. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

LUST.

9. If the #2 pencil is so popular, why is it still #2?

So it will continue to try harder.

10. Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?

Do not be silly, of course it has nothing to do with the song. We simply order the alphabet according to the order the letters came out in when randomly drawn from a bag when the alphabet was first codified.

11. How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

Genetics. First you put up a deer crossing sign at the desired location. All the deer that cross there survive and prosper. Those crossing elsewhere are struck and killed. A few generations and you have deer that cross at the Deer Crossing Signs.

12. How do you throw away a garbage can?

One generally uses one’s dominant hand, though the weaker among us use both hands.

13. How does a thermos know if the drink should be hot or cold?

Elementary physics. Hot liquids cause the stresses upon the thermos surface to be those of expansion. Cold liquids cause the stresses upon the thermos surface to be those of contraction.

14. How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?

S/He doesn’t, snowplows start working at night. If they had to go in in the morning – Same as anyone with any sense in snow – Taxi.

15. Do you realize how many holes there could be if people would just take the time to take the dirt out of them?

One if you set the diameter of the hole sufficiently large . Alternatively the number of holes depends entirely upon what value is set as the diameter of a hole, whether it is a fixed diameter for all the holes and if it is not fixed then what formula is used to determine the diameter of a hole vis-à-vis its neighbours.

16. If a word in the dictionary were misspelled, how would we know?

As happened centuries ago with the X words (where the original spellings were such as Xcentric, Xcess, Xcitant) which had an E added before the X by error in the first printing of an English dictionary, these errors become the official “correct” spelling. Thus, by definition, no dictionary word is ever misspelled.

17. If you’re in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?

A waste of power. Now what happens when you turn on the headlights in a vehicle exceeding the speed of light is fascinating, but that is not what the question posed was – pity.

18. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Because Noah was a sadist.

19. Why do hot dogs come 10 to a package and hot dog buns only 8?

It is the result of a coordinated/co-operative marketing plan between the Meat Packers and the Bakers. You buy an extra package of buns for the two extra hotdogs. Then you need to buy more hotdogs to use up the leftover buns. And so on in a rising spiral of both bun and hotdog sales

20. Why do tourists go to the tops of tall buildings and then put money into telescopes so they can see things on the ground close-up?

Because there are no telescopes at ground level.

21. Why is it that bullets ricochet off of Superman’s chest, but he ducks when the gun is thrown at him?

Slow reflexes.

22. What if the Hokey Pokey IS what it’s all about?

Have you not been paying attention to the world around you?? The Hokey Pokey IS what it is all about.

This is in response to Mark B. Toth’s diatribe against Jack McEwen.

There are certain agendas that are indeed harmful to children, and I’m certain most people in Abbotsford and across Canada would agree that the campaign of intolerance by the religious right is one of them. To call such people “narrow-minded” and “bigoted” may not convince others of similar dogmatic and closed minds, but it is accurate and such language is necessary to draw attention to their behaviour.

People who believe in God’s love and His cherishing us all, must express their views with the hope their comments will improve the lot of those groups of God’s children the religious right choose to persecute.

In this connection, we cannot allow God to be usurped by the religious right to further their campaign to assume God’s right to judge the actions of His people and to guide our individual spiritual journey’s. In the same way we demand the followers of Islam stand up and speak out against the actions terrorists commit in the name of Islam, we must stand up and speack out against the actions of these misguided people in their attempt to impose their beliefs and relegate our moral consciousness to some dark closet.

In speaking of totalitarianism Arthur M. Schlesinger, Jr said “A totalitarian regime crushes all autonomous institutions in its drive to seize the human soul”. Thus it is we need to guard against the religious rights attempts to “seize the human soul” by crushing all those who do not argee with the views they seek to impose upon us all. In guarding our souls and spirituality from this attempt by those of the religious right to exercise absolute and centralized control over our personal relationship with God, one must confront their attempts to surpress opposing cultural, political and spiritual expression.

If Mark B. Toth finds the fact that those of us with deeply held spiritual beliefs are standing up to expose and stand against the unwholesome agendas of the religious right so upsetting, he should stop reading the letters to the editor.

I was feeling a little frustrated or depressed Sunday morning. Or perhaps it would be more accurate to say frustration was letting depression in. I go along, day by day, pursuing my job search as a full time occupation and when no positive results occur (employment) it gets frustrating. That frustration leads to negative thoughts “This is pointless; I’ll never find work; I am really tired of this; etc.: and I feel my old nemesis depression moving in.

So Sunday morning I went to Mill Lake Park, sat on a bench and watched the geese and ducks. Landing, swimming, feeding, grooming, going about the simple daily tasks of their lives. As I slowly relaxed I could feel the tension and frustration ease and flow out of me. Recharging my batteries watching the young children enjoy the sunny day and their visit to the park. Relaxed I took a nap. My time at the park left me relaxed and calm.

Good Mental Hygiene has become very important to me these days. When I have the need to ‘stop and smell the roses’ I make sure I do. The reality of my homelessness may not have changed but my attitude to life had. One lesson I have certainly come to appreciate (the hard way) is that we have a choice in how we view things. I can view things as a mess and let depression drain the colour from my days Or I can view this time as one of transition, embrace the felling of potential and change and work to reveal what it is I should be doing.

Frustration is the enemy. Taking time out to just sit in the sun, enjoy the view and the spring time antics of the birds helps me relax and in not exactly enjoy, accept this time of transition. But PLEASE Universe, let the transition be mercifully short.