Category Archives: The Issues

Mental Health

Post Post Script

Leave a comment

Post Post Script to Is? or Is Not?

Surviving the period between Thursday and Tuesday was an interesting exercise in not losing control. ‘Don’t do anything stupid or self sabotaging’ was a well used mantra as the stress kept trickling adrenalin into my system threatening to turn anxiety into Panic.

When Tuesday finally arrived it developed that there was no cheque waiting. Upon hearing this, panic kicked my anxiety, panic and flight response into overdrive and all I wanted to do was bolt. As I started to do just that, the person I was speaking with spoke telling me to stay while he checked the status.

Hanging grimly onto the vestiges of self control, I was informed that they were running about 4 days behind and my PPMB was awaiting final approval. There was no way to tell when that would occur so I needed to check back daily.

He did say I could phone in but when I am running along the edge between anxiety and panic it is far easier to go down in person that it would ever be to phone, to use the phone period.

Wednesday, after another long, nerve wracking, panic inducing wait I was informed that the cheque for $47 had been mailed out; $47!!!??? – It was quite an adrenaline rush that triggered.

I am not sure what the thinking, or non-thinking, behind mailing out a rent cheque for September on September 1st is.

$47? I was beginning to reconsider the question of whether the Universe really was out to get me.

The nice lady I was speaking with checked the file and found an error had been made in making the calculation of the amount of the adjustment and that it should have been $500 higher. She went out of her way to get a cheque printed off and in my hands right then and there. Which is just as well as it is the weekend (Saturday September 4) as I write this update and the mailed out first adjustment cheque is still in the mail.

Strange, but the error in calculating the adjustment was a good thing as I was able to take the 2nd adjustment cheque to the bank, cash the cheque, top the cheque amount up from my account and pay the rent.

With the matter resolved I … sat on the couch and melted into the couch as the adrenaline tap was turned off and my system crashed in response. Whether caffeine, amphetamine or adrenaline – when the stimulant driving the body ends the body wants its recovery rest/nap/sleep.

Since that evening it has been a balancing act*, managing between my body and mind wanting to rest and recuperate and the words (of which these are a small part) screaming to get free – out onto the page, the internet and wherever else they can find a home or a mind.

For Your Information: a short nap befell the author between the writing and the editing of these words.

While the Universe may not be out to get me it certainly seems to be out to toy with me – or should that be Test me?

Municipal, Snafu

The State of the Water Address

Leave a comment

Mr. Pizzuto’s state of the water supply letter raises several interesting points for consideration.

When council first proposed spending millions on installing individual household water meters, an astute citizen did the calculations and concluded that spending millions of dollars on water meters instead of investing the money in water delivery infrastructure made no sense economically and concluded the reason council was so gung-ho to put in water meters was as the first step to large increases in what citizens were paying for water.

Of course council was quick to issue assurances and promises that they were installing the water meters only for the purpose of more efficiency in managing the water resources, citing a water leak that had gone undetected for months under the old system that would be caught much sooner with the new water meters in place. Council trotted out their favourite defence: those citizens questioning the installation of water meters were ‘naysayers’, didn’t know what they were talking about and council would not be using the new metering system to change water billing from once a year or using the meters to limit the volume of water citizens could use or to implement large increases in the cost of water to residents.

Given council’s repeated demonstration of its lack of economic sense or consideration of the effect council’s actions have on taxpayer’s pocketbooks the matter has stood unresolved – until now.

Mr Pizzuto’s letter speaks of “over a resident’s average water needs” and “should be able to do so without paying high-use premiums”. Taken together with statements out of city hall about billing changing to several times a year and at least 50% increases in what citizens are billed for water this is yet further proof, for those who needed more demonstrated evidence, as to the worthlessness of assurances and promises made by Abbotsford City Council.

“growth pays for itself” through Development Cost Charges (DCCs); while that is the theory behind the existence of Development Cost Charges, it is only true if a city uses the DCCs for infrastructure. When a city uses its Development Cost Charges as a funding source for day-to-day city operations, as Abbotsford’s city council does, who is paying for what (citizens or developers) becomes a matter of who is doing the accounting and how they do it.

It is the council practice of using Development Cost Charges to pay for day-to-day city operations and not strictly for infrastructure that is behind council’s desperate need to increase DCCs NOW. It is this desperate need that led to borrowing from Abbotsford’s future via the three year future tax holiday for developers who pony up DCCs now.

Given “Hence the watering restrictions that were implemented for July and August this year”; does anyone else finding it a little worrying that the city manager is seemingly unaware that water restrictions were imposed in Abbotsford beginning April 1st and not simply July and August, that it was the degree of the restrictions that was changed (or imposed) in July and August?

Just out of curiosity, while I agree that designing a water system based on one or two days of peak demand is neither financially or environmentally responsible, if we are speaking of only one or two days why were restrictions in place from April 1st and then tightened for 2 months. If we are speaking of only 1 or 2 days should not the length of watering restrictions be in terms of days and not months?

On the matter of the 2005 report and Mr. Pizzuto’s (and council’s) assertion that “The review showed that we would need to develop an interim source of water before our new major supply could be brought into service in 2015 – the target date for our new Stave Lake water supply to become active.”

Only if you are spendthrift and improvident.

For prudent and financially responsible managers the report says that the new Stave Lake water needs to be brought on line before the 2015 target date in order to avoid the risk of water shortages and the increased costs to taxpayers through the need to develop expensive interim sources such as the Bevan Wells.

By moving up the date for bringing the new water supply on line, millions of dollars in savings would have been realized by eliminating the need for interim sources of water; the new water supply would be on line well before the city was in danger of running out of water or the need for strict water use rationing occurred; you avoid worries/questions about possible contamination in the Bevan Wells because of Mill Lakes industrial use history or of any possible negative effects on the jewel that is Mill Lake and it’s water table from pumping millions of litres of water out of that water table from under Mill Lake.

For the prudent and financially responsible having this report in hand in 2005 is a reason to focus on new water supply infrastructure.

It is only for the spendthrift and improvident that having this report in hand in 2005 means the need to spend millions on interim band-aid sources of water in order to put off investing in new water supply infrastructure so you can build ego projects with their massive cost overruns, need for millions of dollars in yearly subsidies and council’s final ego project – subsidizing the purchase of a professional hockey team for those privileged citizens favoured by Abbotsford city council.

After all as Mr. Pizzuto writes, Abbotsford has plenty of water – as long as we don’t use more than we have.

Those citizens who had hoped that Mr. Pizzuto’s arrival as city manager would result in more prudent and financially responsible decision making and behaviour must be disappointed by this evidence that council found, not prudence and fiscal acumen buta city manager in tune with ‘Abbotsford city council think’.

Still, while not necessarily helpful, Mr. Pizzuto’s letter – trepidation inducing and disheartening as it may be – is informative

Mental Health, Provincial

Is? Or is not?

Leave a comment

You’re not paranoid if the Universe really is out to get you.

I stood there contemplating the recycled brown envelope sitting atop the pile of mail before my door as if it were a King Cobra poised to strike; filled with foreboding that the contents of the envelop would reveal the next act in the Universe’s attempt to afflict my Life, my very Self, with chaos, panic and catastrophe.

The first law of Buddhism states: Life is difficult. The laws of probability mean these difficulties are not going to fall at evenly spaced and predictable points in time; that there will be periods where these difficulties clump so that the road of life is full of potholes and where, if the bird of paradise were to fly into your life – it would be to deposit his digestive waste product on your head.

This reality applies to the Outside world and, for those of us living with mental illness, the Inside world as well.

Where life gets INTERESTING, in an inauspicious way, is where – when – the roads of life in both the Outside and the Inside worlds are full of potholes.

When this happens dealing with the obstacles in the Outside world is made far more difficult by the anxiety, panic, depression, obsessive/compulsive behaviours and negative thoughts raging in one’s mind.

And while the potholes in the Inside world are driven by events/thoughts taking place in your mind, the events taking place in the Outside world can trigger or reinforce (or both) events/thoughts occurring in one’s Inside world, one’s Mind. When the events in the Outside world reinforce the events/thoughts, the potholes, of the Inside world the situation can become truly devastating.

Your car fails Aircare – anxiety, panic, depression explode and you find yourself in bed with the covers pulled over ones head. A state that makes it very difficult to get the car repaired. With the car crisis hanging over one’s head, dealing with the anxiety, panic and depression becomes a challenge of climbing Mt. Everest proportions.

From time to time, the depression I live with comes to intrude into my life and my head. With self-knowledge, knowledge, skills and tools acquired in seeking recovery and wellness I have, when depression has decided to pay a visit, been able to move back into recovery, balance, serenity and wellness in a timely manner.

This spring, the potholes in the Outside world reinforced the potholes in my Inside world, resulting in not just Mr. Depression staying free but setting freeing his playmates anxiety, depression, obsessive/compulsive and negative thoughts.

Chaos, panic and order were (are) warring in my mind. Fortunately, or perhaps unfortunately I have put in the hard work needed to gain the self-knowledge, knowledge, skills and tools to enter battle with Mr. Depression and his playmates.

Fortunate in that I did not crash and burn; Unfortunate in that the harsh reality of the mental health system is that crashing and burning is the fast track to getting access to the help needed to prevail in one’s struggle to deal with the chaos wrecked upon one’s Inside world by mental illness.

If the BC Liberal government wishes to insist that wait times for medical care for medical procedures such as knee surgery are a matter of efficient scheduling and efficient use of resources I can live with that. I have a friend who faced a wait to get his knee operation and while it caused pain and inconvenience he survived the delay and is currently struggling with the healing process.

However in the matter of delays in accessing the mental health services needed, it is not a matter of efficient scheduling and use of resources but of rationing. The difference lying in the fact that the consequences of not being able to access mental health NOW are so often dire, even disastrous or deadly.

Unless it is a matter of self harm or harm to others one faces months of waiting to get access to the rationed mental health services currently available.

As painful and uncomfortable as life may be it is, at least right now, far too interesting and filled with battles to fight (rationing of mental health care for one) to give serious contemplation to suicide. And as satisfying as it may be to contemplate the justice to be found in the harming of politicians, it is against my personal code of behavior.

Leaving me to struggle back to wellness; seeking to balance the challenges in the worlds Inside and Outside; to surf the tsunami in order to avoid being overwhelmed, crashing and burning.

Because of the feelings of powerlessness and frustration engendered in dealing with the bureaucracy that is the Ministry of Housing and Social Development (AKA Social Assistance) any interaction with this Ministry brings on heavy duty anxiety and puts me on the constant edge of panic.

So when I got the letter from the Ministry containing the forms for my doctor and myself to fill out to renew my PPMB status …. Well on top of everything else that was going on it was too much, to overwhelming, and I found myself literally not capable of dealing with this matter on top of everything else I was already dealing with.

Rather than giving up, crawling into bed and pulling the covers over my head and letting my life crash and burn in hope of getting help to deal with the chaos (Inside and Outside) as I SO wanted to do, I dragged myself down to the local Ministry office and explained the circumstances – struggling with my mental health and to avoid a meltdown – and that I was not capable of getting the forms in as scheduled.

I was told there was an extension and that I now needed to get the forms completed and submitted in August. So I focused on holding my head together while I dealt with the potholes in my Outside world one by one.

Careful budgeting, fiscal discipline, creativity, having been a good tenant (I got to remain as a tenant when the home I rent in was sold and my landlords changed) etc. allowed me to fill the potholes one by one.

I was making good progress when my car failed Aircare at the end of June. My quality of life is dependent on having the car as it allows me to be involved in the community and issues, to work part time (buses do not run in Abbotsford at 1:30 AM) and be able to afford my rent, to access the food resources in the community.

I came frightening close to the mental, emotional and life meltdown I was, and continue to struggle to avoid.

One of the best things I have learned in my journey of recovery is how to be a friend. As a result of this I have not just friends but good friends.

It was funding from a very good friend that allowed for car repairs and the passing of Aircare which permitted me to turn my attention to dealing with the final Outside pothole – the forms for the Ministry. Once I had dealt with this last curve ball the Universe had thrown at me, I could turn my attention to dealing with the potholes Inside – or so I thought.

The Universe however had another curve ball to throw.

When you do something that should put positive karma in your karma account – giving a friend a ride to a weekly program they wanted to take but needed a ride to – and a negative outcome occurs – your exhaust pipe is knocked off as a result of the steep incline of the driveway – it is understandable if one begins to feel that the Universe is really out to get you.

Control, deep breathing, talking myself out of the urge to floor it and let the chips, and the exhaust system, land where they may enabled me to hold it together long enough to call another friend, then carefully drive over to Grumpy’s Garage and get the muffler repaired after 9 PM at night.

When no new potholes developed in the week that followed I was able to get the PPMB forms filled out and submitted.

Achieving this required not giving in to the panic that tried to erupt each time I phoned to make a doctor’s appointment. Doctor’s offices are busy places and every time I phoned I ended up on hold listening to Muzak and hanging up as panic tried to erupt. Friends are beautiful things to have as another friend took (dragged) me up to the doctor’s office to make an appointment and back to keep the appointment.

Closed eyes and a focus on breathing let me remain in the waiting room and the examination room and avoid giving in to the flight urge; permitting me to have the needed form filled out by the doctor which allowed me to deliver the forms before the end of August deadline.

As I began to considered how I would deal with the potholes of the Inside world, the simmering cauldron of anxiety, panic and negative thought patterns kept the question ‘what is going to be the next Outside pothole to appear’ intruding into my head.

It was these negative though patterns about a new Outside pothole that had me standing there contemplating that envelope containing the notice of deposit from the Ministry as though it was a King Cobra. With the Ministry’s ability to devastate one’s life I ‘knew’ that what was in that envelope would reveal not simply a pothole, but an Empire State Building sized sinkhole.

It was only the fact that if I left it there I would see it and be reminded of the perceived looming disaster that had me picking up the mail and carrying it inside. Where another mental struggle ensued as the urge to hide the envelope from sight warred with the knowledge that if it was a sinkhole it needed to be dealt with ASAP.

Teetering back and forth, pro and con until I could slice the envelope open and look at the notice of deposit and …

… found the notice of deposit in the amount of $96 instead of the normal $630 (approx.), leaving me short $504 for rent, raising the specter of being homeless once again. Resulting in me struggling not to close the blinds, crawl into bed, pull the covers over my head and stay there as Life collapsed around me.

Instead, a good set of wellness tools had me going out for an evening meal, then joining some friends for coffee and making my regular evening swim to avoid sitting there allowing anxiety and panic to take over.

There is a reason that May you live in interesting times is considered to be the first of three curses of increasing severity – May the government be aware of you and May you find what you are looking for being the other two.

Which suggests it may well be wise for me to keep the old proverb warning one to Be careful what you wish for you just might get it in mind.

Still there is appeal in the thought of the ministries that are, in theory at least, there to help not hinder being helpful and the hope for less interesting and more boredom in my life to afford some quiet time for finding my way back to wellness.

It is at times like this, when the urge to retreat into denial and bed with the covers over my head refusing to come out that I come closest to understanding the lure of alcohol or drugs (legal or illegal) as a way to cope with or escape the mental stress and pain living can inflict on one’s mind and soul.

Postscript:

Wednesday night was mostly sleepless, with what sleep did occur not being restful – occurring as it did when I drifted off from time to time as I sat focused on writing about what was occurring. Writing being the diversionary tactic I chose to focus my mind on something to keep anxiety and panic from exploding.

Having succeeded in keeping the anxiety and panic relatively controlled the struggle moved to not retreating to bed, denial and avoidance through procrastination. The internal debate was long enough that I nearly missed lunch, having chosen lunch as the first step in getting to the Ministry’s office to deal with the matter.

After lunch I took advantage of the opportunity to share the situation with a friend, allowing me to calm and center myself to the point where I could proceed to the Ministry’s Abbotsford office. Where, because the day before was cheque issue day, I joined the line outside the doors of the office.

Knowing that I would face a long time in line I had brought what I had written the night before with me to edit as my choice of diversionary tactic to focus my mind on something to once again keep anxiety and panic from exploding.

By the time I finished editing what I had written I was left with only a manageably short period of time alone in my head with my thoughts before getting to speak to a worker.

With my Serenity worry stone firmly grasped in my hand as an aid in not letting the panic and trembling get out of hand, I explained the situation to the worker who checked my file and told me that the PPMB paperwork was in process and I would have an adjusting cheque in my hands by Tuesday.

I really appreciated his calm politeness and the understanding he showed of how panicking the situation was to me. Laughing when I looked at him after his telling me not to worry, as two of the multiple barriers I deal with are anxiety and panic.

The reality I live with is that until I have the cheque and September’s rent paid I will have to deal with anxiety. Having been told I would have a cheque that would allow me to pay September’s rent by Tuesday will, or at least should, avoid anxiety turning into panic.

Perhaps more importantly, the knowledge that having succeeded in getting the PPMB renewal forms in will result in being able to pay September’s rent will permit me to avoid self sabotaging or destructive behavior between now and the point in time that September’s rent is in the hands of my landlord.

It does seem to be probable that the Universe is not out to get me and that anxiety, panic and depression make me a little Paranoid when they are running loose in my brain without adequate adult supervision.

Still, just because you’re paranoid doesn’t mean that there isn’t an invisible demon about to eat your face.

The reality I live with is that anxiety, panic and depression can always find something as a focus upon which to base negative thoughts of impending doom and catastrophizing upon.

Municipal, Snafu

Why the smile Mr. Mayor?

Leave a comment

The smile on the face of Shape Properties president John Horton is understandable, but considering what this photo-op cost Abbotsford’s taxpayers what does Abbotsford Mayor George Peary have to smile about?

But then consideration of what effect their actions will have on taxpayers or their pocketbooks has never been a priority for Abbotsford’s mayor, councilors or city staff.

Admittedly this photo-op is costing the taxpayers of Abbotsford less than the photo-ops involving the Abbotsford Entertainment Sports Complex did; but the tax holiday giving rise to this photo-op may well be the council misjudgement that pushes the City of Abbotsford over the edge and sends it freefalling down into the abyss of financial crisis, perhaps even insolvency.

We are talking about a tax holiday (tax break) that works out to three years of $0.00 taxes on what is to be the largest shopping centre built in B.C. over the past 30 years.

We are also talking about a cost that is undoubtedly considered information taxpayers don’t need to know and information to be kept behind closed doors by our current mayor and council. One can hope that the new mayor and council (November 2011) will recognize this type of information as information those who pay the cost of decisions such as making the tax holiday/break that was suppose to attract new development retroactive to development already in the pipeline are entitled to know.

Hmmm; I don’t recall the tax holiday/break being retroactive as part of either the discussion or motion when mayor and council approved Jay Teichroeb’s dubious plan to use three years of $0.00 property taxes (spread over five years) to get developers to develop in Abbotsford by providing compensation to offset the barriers that were preventing their building in Abbotsford.

Although with Highway 1, a border crossing, an international airport and metro Vancouver just a short drive down Highway 1 it would seem that Abbotsford has much to offer developers – outside of its city council’s behaviour.

Still, it was predictable that Shape Properties and other developers who had projects in various stages of development would seek the same freebie that council was using to overcome developers reluctance to locate in Abbotsford and that council would find itself making their tax concessions/holidays/breaks retroactive for any developer that had not already made a significant investment in an Abbotsford development.

After all, leverage is all on the side of any developer with nothing (or close to nothing) invested and at stake in a development in Abbotsford. In those circumstances either developers would get the tax holiday/break or put their development(s) on hold; leaving council either to concede the tax holiday/break or lose those DCCs.

And while developers who have to much invested in a project not to complete the project canbe denied the tax holiday/break – what effect does denying a developer in that position the tax holiday/break have on that developer building any future development in Abbotsford?

The costs of making the tax holiday/breaks retroactive are only one facet of the can of worms council opened with its decision to grant holidays/breaks to satisfy its addiction to Development Cost Charges to finance Abbotsford City Hall’s spendthrift ways.

What the tax holiday/break does is to pull development into a current fiscal year from future years. At some point you simply run out of projects, or have a seriously reduced number of projects, that can be pulled from the future into your current fiscal year; also at some point pulling projects into your current fiscal year from the future will leave you without any projects in some future year (or years) – leaving the city without any Development Cost Charges (or at best significantly reduced DCCs) in that year (or years).

Similarly, when you end the tax holiday/break it leaves you in a vacuum of no, or significantly reduced, DCCs.

Either way the tax holiday/break is only a short term fix which creates longer term financial difficulties.

But the worst facet of city staff and council’s tax holiday/break decision is the extremely negative consequences the tax holiday/break will have on future city property tax revenue flows.

By giving future tax holidays/breaks for DCC cash now, council is borrowing from the future to fund council’s lack of planning and fiscal discipline in the current year. While this may save council from the consequences of its lack of fiscal discipline THIS year, it deals with this year’s problems not by addressing them but by pushing the reckoning into (near) future years.

The major consequences of city staff and council’s tax holiday/break are: forcing the city to grant retroactive tax holidays/breaks for projects that were already on the drawing board; pulling development out of the future into the current year with the result that in a near future year (or years) the city’s DCC revenue will suffer a significant reduction; the property tax reductions used to pull revenue into the current year to permit council to avoid, for this year, the consequences of council’s lack of planning and fiscal discipline will result in a significant reduction of property tax revenue flows in near (and not so near) future years; the developments that occur as a result of the tax breaks will, as they come online over future years require water, sewer and other city infrastructure that are inadequate to service the city’s current needs.

Council’s tax holiday/break ‘solution’ is going to require major infrastructure investments to provide services to the developments while at the same time the tax holiday/break ‘solution’ reduces the revenue flows of the city making it necessary to cut the city’s operating budget to match reduced revenues and raises the question of how much property taxes and debt will have to rise to fund city operations and the required infrastructure investments.

Tax breaks for DCCs now …live for today and ignore the future while digging the financial hole the city is in ever deeper.

Leaving citizens wondering ‘where are we going and why are we in this hand-basket’?

Consider, Municipal

City Council Priorities

Leave a comment

Surely G.H. Chandler is not suggesting that water, roads, sewage, facility fees that are affordable for families and the average citizen are more important than Abbotsford city council’s ego projects?

How could G.H. Chandler possibly expect council to put the needs of Abbotsford’s taxpayers, the need for significant investments in water delivery and other infrastructure for the City of Abbotsford, ahead of the need of council to assuage their ego’s?

With Chilliwack having the Prospera Centre and the WHA Bruins hockey team; with Langley building their Event Centre for the BCHL Langley Chiefs (after Abbotsford Council sent the Chiefs on down the road) – how could Abbotsford city councillors be expected to hold their heads up proudly unless they built the AESC and acquired a hockey team, whatever the cost to taxpayers?

Undoubtedly G.H. Chandler (or other voters) will be pleased to know that their hard earned tax dollars are not going to support the Calgary Flames since Calgary does not own the Heat.

No the millions of dollars of taxpayer funded subsidies go into the pockets of those favoured local citizens who make up the ownership group of the Abbotsford Heat. And why should the ownership group of the Heat be expected to assume any of the risk of owning an AHL team when Abbotsford’s city council is willing to make the taxpayers of Abbotsford liable for all the risk?

Think how embarrassing it would have been for city council if they hadn’t put the taxpayers of Abbotsford on the hook for $57 million and therefore had no hockey team, leaving city council with an embarrassingly empty arena. Is G.H. Chandler daring to suggesting that saving the taxpayers $million$ of dollars in yearly operating costs and subsidies to the Heat ownership should have been a higher priority for city council than saving face?

Is it reasonable to expect council to feel that solid management, prudent planning and financially sound behaviour are higher priorities than ego projects?

Pshaw. If council made a priority of solid management, prudent planning and financially sound behaviour the city would not be at its current risk of insolvency or running out of water and there would be no need for city council and staff to be offering bribes in a desperate bid to get developers to build in Abbotsford.