Category Archives: Mental Health

Life, Mental Health

Driving Me to Drink.

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You are NOT paranoid…….if the Universe, Deity, Fate or Whatever is Out to Get You; and it certainly seems I am at the top of some Entity’s ‘To Be Gotten List’.

The past 6 – 8 weeks have been wearing away at my ratiocination and sagacity [sanity].

Tonight I hit the melt-down point: the point of lizard brain rage where reason is sundered giving birth to an eruption of irrationality and derangement.

To be rescued by a little voice in my head saying “this is not the brightest thing to be doing; in fact it is no where near bright…..Dumb, Asinine yes, bright – Not Even Close.

Continue reading Driving Me to Drink. →

Life, Mental Health

By George! Freed from Durance Vile

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It was exactly two weeks that I was trapped without a car; it was a Wednesday afternoon when my car plunked itself down and refused to move and it was on a Wednesday afternoon 1,209,600 seconds later that I started up the engine, eased out the clutch and took the Breckenridge Transport Machine [BTM} for a test drive down, around the cul-de-sac and back home. Towards the end of those 1,209,600 seconds even the nanoseconds were dragging by.

The danger during a period where the BTM’s status is non-operational lies in being trapped at home with me……myself and I.

One of the strategies incorporated into my Wellness Recovery Action Plan concerns what to do when being by myself inside my head without adequate adult supervision would be hazardous to my mental well-being. The strategy is to leave so I am not isolated with myself and seek out adult supervision; or, alternatively, have adequate adult supervision come to my place.

Obviously, escaping myself and finding adequate adult supervision becomes a great deal more difficult when the BTM is non-operational.

When Sunday found me in conversation with a Scarecrow [Brain Quest] a strong suspicion formed that I needed to get the BTM’s status changed to operational ASAP. When, towards the end of the conversation, the White Rabbit joined the Scarecrow and I in our conversation suspicion became certainty.

Faced with certainty I called my friend Mike to express my strong need for an operational BTM. Mike stated he would get in touch with his friend and encourage him to perform his magic on the BTM.

Thus it came to pass that on Wednesday morning Mike and his friend were at my abode to ascertain what issue the BTM was suffering from.

So we pop the hood, I get behind the wheel and start the car and engage the clutch George, after telling me to disengage the clutch for a moment, repositioned himself to the drivers side of the engine and had me ease the clutch out again. Telling me to disengage the clutch and leave it disengaged George disappeared from eyesight, getting down and looking under the BTM.

Mere seconds later George returned to my sight holding what looked like a strip of grease in his hand; which proved to be a piece of rubber coated in grease. CV joint is gone George informed me, as he also informed me he had replaced thousands of them.

Having determined what needed to be done George headed home for the tools he would need and to wait for the car to be in shade late in the afternoon. Mike dropped George off and returned to take me to CanWest to procure a replacement CV shaft.

I did have to replace the driver side CV shaft on a previous vehicle of mine so I knew it was far easier and more efficient just to pull the old shaft and plug in a new one than anything else one might do. I didn’t beat myself up over, having previously needed to change a CV joint, not realizing it was the CV joint that had gone because this CV joint gave no warning it was about to go. Normally when a CV joint is getting ready to go they warn you with a clicking sound that gets progressively worse.

With the car shaded by a tree and the house – with the added bonus of a nice breeze blowing – George returned and began the necessary disassembly to access the CV shaft. As he progressed George got a look at the disc pads of my front brakes and dispatched me back to CanWest to procure a set of new brake pads as the pads could do with replacing and with the driver side wheel already going to be off it only made sense to do the brake pads now rather than a short time latter.

Returning I sat quietly in the shade, giving George the courtesy of my silence to allow him to focus on what he was doing without distraction or interruption by me.

As George began work on replacing the passenger side brake pads his concentration increased as he began to work on part of the braking mechanism itself. It was sticking, not moving as freely as it should, which George considered an unacceptable condition for it to be left in. So he sat there, not simply replacing the brake pads, but patiently working on the braking mechanism until it was in what he considered acceptable condition.

With the passenger side wheel back on the car, George gathered his tools back up and then, just before he closed the hood back up checked the fluid levels telling me I was down a litre of oil. I got out the engine oil [checking the oil level and adding oil if needed is among the limited auto repair/maintenance skills I have], a litre was added, the hood closed and it was time for a test drive.

I fired up the engine, put it in gear, sloooowly eased out the clutch and headed off down my street, around the cul-de-sac and back to my place; such a short drive to put such a cheek stretching grin on my face.

Getting out of the car with that huge grin on my face I heartily thanked George, although words couldn’t/can’t express the gift that having the BTM operational was/is to me.

It is not simply that George is such a highly skilled and experienced mechanic, but that he is a craftsman. A man who does a superb job because of the pride he takes in the work he does. It is always a pleasure to watch a craftsman work, especially if it is your vehicle he is working on.

And thanks Mike for the original ride home when the BTM became non-operational, for transportation to purchase the necessary parts, but a far bigger thanks for freedom from Durance Vile by George!

Finances, Life, Mental Health

HELP! Auto Destruct In Progress

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I don’t know what it is with me and cars these days……

.,,,,,, but they have become The Bane of my mental health, of my existence.

I stayed to help the volunteer clean up after Bingo on Wednesday July 2, 2014. My personal policy is to keep my karma balance with as solid a positive balance as possible. Unfortunately Tuesday was apparently a ‘no good deed goes unpunished’ day.

I was headed to the Library and then home but as I shifted gears turning off Essendene onto Montvue there was the sound of mechanical mayhem and while the engine was running, no motivation was being delivered to the wheels.

I managed to glide into a parking spot in front of the Fraser Valley Inn; but no joy – the automobile remained unmotivated to move.

Getting out of the car I stood there looking at HUB – so near and yet so far – and thinking about the $45 – $60 to be towed a single very short block to HUB. ##@!!!&%^$## I thought to myself, getting into the car, starting the engine [so I can easily steer] and beginning to work the car into traffic.

Two gentlemen stepped off the side walk, telling me to put on my hazard lights and pushing me out into traffic and into a u-turn headed in the direction of HUB.

I got around the corner onto Essendene, popped out of the car and put my shoulder to the door frame to keep the car rolling when a gentleman in a pick-up truck whips into HUB and he and his passenger pop out and hustle over to help push the car into HUB.

Two separate times people stepped forward and lent a push. It is this kind of help appearing that is why I consider it wise to keep my Karma account with a solid positive balance.

I suppose it should have been no surprise when Balance had some ill-mannered lout accelerating away when the traffic signals on Essendene turned to green, clearly bent on denying me the left turn into HUB motors without having to stop, then start, the car rolling.

With the transmission probably gone, the car likely toast and worth only scrap value – the condition of my car was a matter of complete indifference to me. Indeed, the only useful purpose the car seemed capable of achieving was to deliver a lesson in the wisdom of manners.

Wisely the lout apparently recognized the kamikaze nature of the situation and wisely decided not to play chicken.

I got the car parked and spoke to the HUB staff about them checking to see if it is something [relatively] cheap and worth fixing. I also arranged to leave the car there for a day or two if the problem – the car – is not worth the cost to fix; a state of affairs which would leave me scrambling to find a replacement and perhaps looking to find short term replacement transportation.

Having dealt with The Bane to the extent I could at that point in time, I set off to walk down Gladys to the Salvation Army and access a phone, phone book and computer to get a ride home and start spreading the news of my quest for affordable and [please, please, please, please, please] dependable transportation.

While it is not a long distance the walk became a matter of focusing on the destination and purpose and coping with the rising level of pain as my right leg became a burning pain and my back turned my steps into grinding torture.

Adding insult to injury an internal nattering nabob of negativism manifested and started berating me [myself?] for not bringing one of the canes I keep in the car for more than short walks or periods of time on my feet without a chance to sit; a nattering stream of negativism into which occasional comments of catastrophe and Auto Destruction of my Life were injected.

Oh Joy. On the upside, the pain that would be involved in stepping off the sidewalk onto the roadway means I have no urge to go play in traffic.

I got to the Salvation Army at 5 pm, the beginning of the Intake shift at the emergency shelter, and find Mike there having just given Steve a ride to work. The door opens revealing Steve and Cliff and I explain about the probable demise of The Bane and ask them to keep their eyes and ears open for an automobile and to spread the word of my critical need for a car at a marvellous price.

I stepped through the door to head for the office for the computer and phone when Steve suggests I get a ride with Mike – who is just pulling away. A hot day means Mike has the windows down, hears me as I shout forth his name and grants my plea for a ride home.

We swing by HUB to leave them the Keys so they can make sure it is not something easy, simple and affordable to fix – at 4:32 PM PST Thursday July 3, 2014 the call confirming the demise of my transport vehicle was received –  and Mike dropped me at my place.

I am thinking a beer sounds good, and six sounds even better. So I have a coke. Sit in front of the fan and read a Calvin and Hobb’s collection I found at a thrift store for a dollar.

Letting my mind process the $$$##@***&^)($!!!!@!!!* Car.

When my mind wondered if Vancity’s decision to offer payday loans to help people escape the clutches of those blood sucking leeches Money Mart, Moneytree et al might mean I can get a modest car loan???????……I know I am ready to start dealing with the The Bane and the BLEEP hitting the FAN.

I moved to the computer to begin to set down this latest chapter of my transportation tribulations and the Universe’s ongoing offensive against my sanity. Paranoid? No, at this point in time there would appear to be evidence attesting to the Universe’s use of transportation tribulations – car problems – to test my mental mettle.

Writing about this latest transportation tribulation helps me to vent, to process and to accept that the car is dead; prepares me mentally to deal with disposing of the dead coupe’s remains, finding a replacement and somehow managing to finance the purchase.

More importantly writing about the situation allows me to network and spread the call for aid in finding a replacement for my prior transportation that has shown a complete lack of consideration in becoming a scrap metal sculpture.

Sigh! I had just finished repaying the money used to purchase The Bane and was on track to full financial recovery from the effects of needing to replace my prior Bane.

Then Kablooee!  All that financial pain and discipline is blown up by a blown transmission and the spectre of homelessness looms once again.

The real danger of not having a vehicle is not that I might not make it to Monday’s appointment with the psychiatrist or incur a fine for returning library books late or other annoyances arising from my loss of personal transportation.

The real danger is being trapped at home with my thoughts and within my mind. A component of my Wellness Recovery Action Plan is getting out of my place when I begin to brood and my thoughts turn to the dark side.

With my car having died I am not only trapped at home, but my car woes provide a focus to brood on, to feel sorry for myself, to catastrophizing, a trap of negativism, of not getting out of bed………

Hark! I seek aid in accomplishing a successful conclusion to:

The Search for A Vehicle for James.

If you know of a vehicle or can help in any manner, email acarforjames@gmail.com

Consider, Issues, Mental Health

The Search for Happiness

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Mental Health Week May 5 – 11 2014

It ain’t what you don’t know that gets you into trouble. It’s what you know for sure that just ain’t so.   Mark Twain

I have a friend with schizophrenia who speaks of how, when people learn she has schizophrenia, begin looking at her as if they expect her to pull out a knife and kill them. All because of the way television and the broadcast media portray those with schizophrenia.

I and others of my acquaintance have all had the experience, repeatedly, of having people telling us we could not be living with mental illness because we were not homeless, muttering away to ourselves, well groomed, weren’t raving, made sense……

We have spoken of the difficulties posed by the fact that there is often no external evidence of the turmoil going on within or of the ruin that, occasionally lies within,.

CMHA’s Mental Health Week is an annual national event that takes place during the first week in May to encourage people from all walks of life to learn, talk, reflect and engage with others on all issues relating to mental health.

On Tuesday May 6, 2014 from 7:00 – 8:30 PM at Clearbrook Library Fraser Mental Health’s Abbotsford Advisory Committee is presenting The Search for Happiness: three perspectives on living with a mental illness.

Speaking about their experiences and, as time permits, answering audience questions about living and dealing with mental illness, and as time permits will be a person living with mental illness, a family member of a person living with mental illness and a staff member of Fraser Mental Health who works for Recovery.

Everyone is invited to join us to hear about the reality of living with mental illness.