Sunday I was feeling somewhat melancholy having missed the Lost Checkered Sox performance Friday night. As a practitioner of good mental hygiene I realized a change of outlook was needed. So I decided to take advantage of the crisp, sunny fall day to sit in the sun contemplating and cogitating upon lost checkered socks and what their relationship to the Great washing machine mystery.

I speak of course of the apparent appetite of washing machines for devouring the odd sock. We all know that the idea of washing machines eating socks is ridiculous. Which leaves us to address what exactly is the fate of a missing sock and where do they go?

It occurred that what is required is a government grant of $250,000 to enable the conducting of a study of this great conundrum. This level of grant would permit the rental of a suitable space; supply all the cutting edge electronic tools to properly record the experimental results, a transport vehicle and a new heavy duty washer/dryer set. While considering the design parameters for the envisioned experiments it became obvious that the testing regimen required amendment to include the possibility that we are not dealing with a Great Washing Machine Mystery but rather a Great Dryer Mystery.

Thus it was quickly apparent that an additional Phase II $250,000 grant would be required to expand the study to include the washing machine vs. dryer hypothesis. In contemplating this increased funding stream it was recognized the opportunity was present to achieve both faster results and to serve a public need. Since the Phase I portion of the grant provides funding for the equipment to ensure the proper recording of the experiments, all of the second portion would be available to leverage the experiments to achieve a multiplier effect.

This Phase II grant would finance the salary for a research assistant, the procurement of a bank of heavy duty washer/dryers and a suitably accessible location. Opening the doors to those in poverty, the working poor and the homeless would ensure the randomness of wash loads while supplying the large number of wash loads called for in order to accelerate the experiment.
Given the demonstrated randomness of the sock relocation, the randomness of the loads, the large number of loads (reflective of the large need for access to laundry facilities in these poor/homeless populations) and with the detailed recording of the make up of each experimental load this approach holds the promise of greatly accelerating the process of determining the mass/mass distribution that triggers the effect. Once the general trigger parameters of the effect are determined it will be possible to focus experimentation on gaining a detailed understanding of the mass/distribution relationship to gain the ability to trigger the effect when desired.

Having sought theoretical inspiration through logical thought and analysis as well as the technique of seeking oneness with the Universe utilizing meditation on what is the true cause of sock relocation I have arrived at the only conclusion that explains the observed phenomena. I freely admit that at first I was incredulous at the conclusion the facts led to. However, as the wise know, when all other possibilities are eliminated what remains is the answer, no matter how fantastic or outrageous an answer it may appear to be.

Since a properly impressive name must await a deep understanding of the phenomena, it will be at this beginning stage of the experimental investigation referred to as washing machine dimension effect. I acknowledge that at this time it could very well be it is in fact the dryer dimension effect. However, until proof one way or the other is uncovered, Washing Machine Dimensional (w.m.d.) will be used to refer to the Effect.

The word dimension is used since it is clear that the repetitive mechanical workings of a washing machine (or dryer) when loaded with the correct mass/mass distribution of a load of laundry that includes at least one pair of socks causes an opening through another dimension to form. Evidence demonstrates that the inter-dimensional portal is a short lived and small phenomenon as only one sock is transported. Obviously this phenomenon functions in a manner similar to its larger and more spectacular cousin – the wormhole. I postulate that the opening of an “entrance portal” in one washing machine triggers the opening of an “exit portal” in another ‘in use’ distant washing machine. This conclusion is supported by and helps to explain the wide spread belief that washing machines (or dryers) are devouring socks. At the entrance machine the missing sock is noted while at the exit machine the presence of the transported sock leads to the erroneous conclusion that a sock is missing. Thus it is that at each occurrence of the Effect twice the actual number of disappeared socks are noted – explaining why the belief in machines devouring socks is so widely and firmly spread throughout the globe.

Advances in GPS technology will permit the quick pin-pointing of the exit portal location, permitting a timely arrival so that the make up of the destination load, the mass/mass distribution that supported the conditions that resulted in the formation of the exit portal. Thus Phase III, encompassing the need for transcontinental, perhaps intercontinental will necessitate a Phase III budget of $2,500,000. It is envisioned that the major focus of Phase III is to obtain an understanding of the rules/mechanism involved in the triggering/formation of entrance/exit portals.

Phase IV will take the understanding of the Effect obtained in Phase III in order to ascertain how to enter wmd space (the washing machine dimension), manoeuvre within wmd space and exit wmd space at a point in our space-time continuum of our choosing. The funding required for the micro portion of the research of this transportation method will be $25,000,000. Once the ability to enter, manoeuvre and exit wmd space using robotic micro probes is found to be feasible/within reach it is anticipated that the next Phase will begin to gear up before the final completion of Phase IV.

Phase V having a projected budget of $250,000,000 for the initial stage of this Phase which involves sizing up the probes from the micro to the macro level to permit the entrance, travel and exit of wmd space by transports capable of carrying human travellers/explorers. The second stage of this phase, requiring an investment of $2,500,000,000, is to engineer, design, build and test a ship in order to demonstrate the technologies suitability to space travel, exploration and resource exploitation.

Phase VI is to build a ship to explore the Terran solar system, planetary bodies and to inventory the system resources available for the establishment of off planet mining, manufacturing, engineering and “space dock” ship building facilities. It is anticipated that the technology involved will permit the ship to be built within the $25,000,000,000 budgeted for this phase.

With a budget $250,000,000,000 the vision for Phase VII is the deployment of the ship and other developed transportation/engineering/research & development resources to establish off planet resources. We know that the solar system abounds with mineral and energy resources easily accessible to those with efficient space transport. It is anticipated that it will be necessary to establish and staff space-based habitats to achieve the goals for this phase of creating mining, refining, manufacturing, engineering and building facilities.

Phase VIII with its budget of $250,000,000,000 is to use the developed off-earth resources and building capabilities in the continuing design, build and launch of interstellar exploration craft. It should be noted that the spin-off socially responsible actions of Phase II will be continued throughout the later Phases of the Project. It is anticipated that the empathy developed in making socially responsible choices and behaviour part of the modus operandi of the Project will permit the establishment of trade and co-operation with other space travelling life-forms. At this point it is to be expected that the Project will be sell financing from inter-species trade, processing of space borne resources and spin-offs of scientific resources.

The future is nova brilliant. The key to this abundance and to our space-faring/exploring future is leadership and the willingness to make the modest investment in the Project.