Keeping it surreal.

The other day I recieved a reminder of just how subtle the balance of ones mental health and recovery can be.

I was giving an acquaintance a ride. As we were making our way to the car the conversation turned to mental disabilities and he asked about my personal mental health challenges.

It turned out he has a friend who also has to deal with agoraphobia and I was regaled with stories about his friend’s trials and tribulations. I could certainly relate to his friend’s challenges. Unfortunately every attempt to change the subject failed and it was a relief to drop my passenger off.

I breathed a sigh of relief and drove away.

Waking the next morning revealed that there is a certain amount of truth in Clare Booth Luce’s “No good deed goes unpunished” and I had not gotten away scot-free from my good deed providing a ride.

All I wanted to do was pull the covers over my head and stay safe and sound behind my locked front door.

This was not really a head space I wanted to revisit. At that earlier point in time of my life my phone ringing or someone knocking on my front door had me cowering, shaking and frozen in place in a panic attack. People talking outside the front door had my freezing, trembling and praying they would not knock. My front door became a barrier I could not pass beyond.

As I said, not a situation I have any interest or desire in returning to.

Fortunately I do have an interest and desire to practice the needed mental hygiene to stay in recovery. This is why I have a WRAP, a Wellness Recovery Action Plan.

Thus, when I awoke in that bad head space and mired in a negative/unhealthy mind set I did not pull the covers over my head and descend into anxiety, panic and agoraphobic behaviours. Instead I recognized what was happening and reached into my Wellness Toolbox for the mental health tools I needed to work through this … black, dark crap – and recovery my mental balance/health.

It was a long, uncomfortable 2 – 3 days and I spent a lot more time than usual meditating, but in the end I succeeded in letting it all go and finding a place of serenity.

I speak of recovery not of cure because, as this incident served to remind me, mental health (or addiction recovery) can be lost or disturbed unexpectedly and by events beyond one’s control, events that seem innocuous.
Being in a recovery mindset rather than “I am fine, I am cured” mindset lets one recognize and react appropriately before you find yourself not fine and in your illness or addiction again. I facilitate WRAP groups to share the plan that has made and continues to make such a difference in my life and which I feel is a plan, a tool, everyone who has need of it should have in their lives.

One cautionary note to keep in mind should you find yourself in the situation my acquaintance found himself in – DON’T start in on horror tales. They can have unintended negative effects on the listener.