Sol III Date: 12 – October – 2015                              Stardate: 93382.99

 

AMHSUAC meets the second Tuesday of the month ergo Octobers meeting was today. Last Tuesday was the October RAC meeting driving home at the end of last Tuesday I found myself speaking words of encouragement to my transportation device as we/it chugged up the hill on Blueridge Drive after turning off Clearbrook Road about how I knew it could make it up this hill and shorter one on Ridgeview Drive.

AMHSUAC = Abbotsford Mental Health & Substance Use Advisory Committee; RAC = Regional Advisory Committee.

When the words to  The Gambler “You’ve got to know when to hold ’em, know when to fold ’em, know when to walk away” began playing in my head it seemed wise to listen to what my subconscious was saying and park the car until I can find a reliable mechanic who will not charge me the $1,000 the garages want because ‘the book’ says it will take seven hours of labour thus cost me the $1,000 quoted by the traditional auto repair shops.

By parking the car before it refuses to move, or cannot move, when someone can direct me to a reliable, vouched for mechanic who can replace the clutch hydraulic cylinder within my budget [$600+] I will be able to avoid the need to decrease the amount I have available for the repair by the $60 cost to tow the vehicle the location where the operation will be performed.

Not having personal transportation, and being unwilling to reduce the $$$ available to get the clutch hydraulic cylinder repaired on alternate transportation I have been trapped at home since last Tuesday. Trapped in my own mind without being able to escape to a location were other human beings are present and will allow me to focus and get out of my mind.

My wellness plan contains the need to get out – every day – and go socialize because not getting out of my head is dangerous to my mental health and wellness.

Last Tuesday I had determined that if I was still trapped at home – a distinct possibility since poverty means I cannot afford to have a phone ……. well I could have a phone but then I wouldn’t have a home – this Tuesday I would access the bus system to get to AMHSUAC.

One of many ironies of the system is that being homeless would put over $300 more in my pocket every month. So I could afford a phone  – and a data plan.

Not having a phone complicates and slows the process of finding someone to repair my transportation device. Such is life lived in poverty.

As noted being trapped at home with only myself is a very unhealthy place for me to be stuck. Which is why, other than I a nap around the witching hour, I didn’t get any sleep Monday night because when I had tried to get a few more hours visiting the sandman an argument had broken out in my head better the go no go factions.

I did manage to get out the door and stopped at the transportation device to replenish the lined paper [a handy access supply sits on the passenger seat] in the small three ring binder briefcase I use for writing off-line and a cane. With the sky threatening rain I took on of the solid wood umbrellas I have. They make serviceable canes and if it rains  they keep you far dryer than an actual cane would.

I have lived with a bad back for most of my life, having gone to the University of Saskatchewan’s College of Commerce after my doctor told me that if I wanted to be walking at 30 I needed to quit working with horses and find something gentler on my back to do for a living.

One of the reasons not having a functioning motive device traps me at home is that even the short half kilometre hike to the bus stop disturbs my back. Using a cane is about maximizing mobility and minimizing the pain. Still by the time I return home in early evening I was covered in the clammy sweat that is a side effect of a high level of pain and my avoidance of heavy duty pain killers.

I do have a prescription on file with my pharmacy and I will get it renew when enough time has passed since the prescription was written that it automatically expires. It makes it easier to live with the pain knowing that if worst comes to worst I can go to the pharmacy and get relief. I fear using heavy duty pain killers, having an aversion to venturing onto that slippery slope,  preferring to deal with the pain even when it leaves me in a constant state of small shivers/trembling  and clammy.

Strangely, ironically, in that that’s life way my experience and stubbornness of dealing with pain provided guidance and helped me learn and live with mental illness.

Lined paper and cane umbrella [or umbrella cane] was how I came to be standing beside my car as the bus I had intended to take whizzed past.

I watched the bus go by as I argued with myself about going or not going to the committee meeting, frozen in place beside the car as this go/no go internal battle raged.

I was still standing there 15 minutes later when the next bus went by. At which point I was able to take myself by the scruff of the neck and drag myself down to the bus stop on Blueridge where I could catch the bus travelling inbound.

Still, it was a near thing and this deterioration of my mental health is why I have a requirement to get out every day and why my behaviour when I am trapped at home with myself, inside my head drastically changes to try to minimize the damage done by being trapped until such time as a new hydraulic cylinder frees me from durance vile.

I scrounged a ride to the Meal Centre so I could eat my first meal since last Tuesday. At some point between the time our meeting started and the time it had ended numerous packages of 24 rolls of toilet paper had been stacked around the front desk.

In light of how my life  – and mind – are going these days I found myself admiring somebody’s forethought and preparation for the ‘shit hitting the fan’.

Scrounging a ride took me directly from the AMHSUAC meeting to the meal centre so I was there before they started serving lunch which gave me the opportunity to get some grain products [bagels, multigrain bread]. Toasted bagels and peanut buttered multigrain bread.

Since I had two full plastic grocery bags full of grains, I hung around after lunch caffeinating until the bus that runs along Gladys and by the meal centre mornings and afternoons [the route serves people going to and from work] began running again in late afternoon and spreading the word of my need for someone capable of replacing the clutch hydraulic cylinder.

When the time came to catch the bus I had to stop at the thrift store where I found a craft item which had several components I could use in several different future projects designed and stored in the ‘physical, focused distraction tasks for WRAP’ file in my mind.

I needed make a purchase because the store only gives change for purchases. It was simply fortunate that they was a craft project with several useful components at a cost of only 50 cents. More fortunately frugal planning meant I had $5 to get change from.

The bus ride home went surprisingly smoothly and armed with pen and a good supply of paper I had no dragging awareness of time. The bus is outbound so it dropped me at a bus stop across the street and a short distance uphill from the Court I live on.

Even with the benefit of walking downhill it was a slow trip home. Mainly because I needed to stop, stand and let my back/spine adjust before continuing on my way.

Given the way my life has been running lately, how smoothly the trip home had gone and the way time flew by as I wrote of the ideological, irresponsible, financial calamitous behaviour of Stephen Harper and the Conservative Party – I should have been prepared for the pie in the face. But I wasn’t.

Although, as I turned the corner onto my street [Court] and saw that the passenger side rear tire had gone flat while I was gone, I did appreciate the symbolism of my trip downhill to the flat tire.

I took a deep breath, let it out slooooooowly, locked the umbrella back in the Breckenridge Zone mobile and headed for my computer to add a Chronicle on life to my web page and create the First Tale of the James Chronicles.